To promote the release of my latest novel Grand Theft Octo, I’ve been sharing promotional images on my Facebook and Twitter accounts. Here they all are, along with their quotes, in one handy place:
“Octopus owners until now have been thinking, ‘My octopus is sluggish, sure, but they’re docile creatures.’ Bullshit, I’m saying, you’ve just got a boring octopus in need of a good teasing. Listen, don’t expect it to turn into the sea life of the party. It won’t somersault from the tank like a dolphin or do a flawless impression of Sir Michael Caine, but after I’m done you’ll own a livelier, friendlier and more interesting invertebrate. And you’ll notice the difference within twenty-four hours.” – Jonathan Doe, Professional Octopus Teaser
“Teasing an octopus is nothing so vulgar as a bullfight. It’s an act of precision, the threading of a needle. I began my training by convincing cats to climb down trees just by frowning at them.” – Herbert Malt, Apprentice Octopus Teaser
“I’ve rather wear a mask than live in a hall of mirrors.” – Holly Sarashina, Lady of the Dead
“Hank Butterfield is smiling right at me. Against my own wishes, my heart skips a beat. I’d always assumed I was immune to being star-struck but all I want to do is giggle like a teenage girl and throw my knickers at him. He bids his crowd farewell and strolls toward us while sniffing his martini. I’m so excited about him coming over that I feel weirdly violated.” – Jonathan Doe, Reluctant Hank Butterfield Fan
“I try to remember the Harry I knew, the man who met insults with wounded smiles, so terrified of treading on toes that he ended up sidling through life. Who are we, truly, deep down? The child we outgrow or the shell we become?” – Jonathan Doe, Professional Plant Killer
“That’s it. Down the steps, one at a time. Not too slowly, not too snappy. If you get too snappy, I might snap, and I can be a very scary gator.” – Rupert Whistler, Man of Leisure
“The only way to never get whiplash is to never slow down.” – Lewis Caputo, Hotdog in the Centre
“Caring for plants is a delicate form of starvation. Of water, food and affection. You can’t give one species too much attention. It’s a process of balance. You shall be Libra, holding the scales.” – Harry Jenkins, Lord of the Plants
“You know when you wait at the side of the road for the little green man to appear? Well today we are the green man. Nothing is going to stop us. Beep beep.” – Jonathan Doe, Professional Octopus Kidnapper
If those pictures and quotes have piqued your curiosity, Grand Theft Octo is available in ebook ($2.99) and paperback ($7.99) from Amazon right now. You can also read the first couple of chapters for free there too. Do you have a favourite image or quote from the gallery? Are you even more baffled about what the book’s actually about? Here’s a brief synopsis, to help you find your way:
When Jonathan Doe is fired from his office job for stealing too much stationery, he becomes an entrepreneur of businesses the world has never seen. After a disastrous start at freelance taxidermy, he moves onto professional octopus teasing. Will he fail again or make his fortune? Is he really a professional or just a con artist? Desperate to succeed, his plans become more outlandish, from stealing theme park mascots at gunpoint to fighting deranged restaurant tycoons. As the enemies he makes seek revenge, both his life and business are threatened, until his world spirals into mayhem and violence. Set in the fictional city of Vestibue, England, Grand Theft Octo is a wild and hilarious ride that strikes at the heart of aspirational culture.
Niels Saunders 
